Monthly Feels

I can’t believe that July’s almost over. We’re already done with half of this year and a lot has happened already. Change was inevitable, still is. Everything went by almost.. too fast. And I thought I can’t keep up with its rapidity, apparently I can. We all can.

January’s the start of something new. Mistakes have been made last year. I hurt somebody. I’ve been hurt. Our worlds fell apart, for a while, everything hurt and nothing mattered. A kind of hurt that you thought you could never give to somebody or you could never receive. A kind of hurt I thought I can’t get over. Enduring loss by myself. Thinking, “where were the friends who told me they’ll be here for me no matter what?”. By the end of January, the hurt forced me to be stronger, it forced me to become better, to straighten my path, and to shift priorities. A grateful feeling hit me. For those who stayed, forgave, and guided me still, until more strength pushes itself inside me. Especially a huge thank you to my Redeemer Jesus Christ.

The lesson stretches to February. Where people were still present, friends have found themselves coming back and trying to help me push forward. I became more selfless, I behaved, I’ve learned to say ‘no’, I dressed simply, I kept changing and doing everything I can to be the best version of me. For once, my Valentine’s day wasn’t bad. I spent it with the most amazing guy. The one who stayed, after everything. Thank you.

Then it was March. Nothing much.. Just a bunch of school works were at hand. I complained, yes. But not as much as I did before. Someone out there, I thought, endures something even heavier than what I was enduring. At least, I’m strong and capable enough to be THAT busy. Something again, to be grateful for.

April, huh. Last month for keeping myself busy with the school works. Last month of becoming a 1st year college student. I am no longer a frosh. Something to keep in mind, that I only have 2 and a half years left being a college student. And how harder everything will be after I graduate. Pondering every now and then, how I would POSITIVELY deal with everything that’ll come my way. Keeping in my mind and heart everything I’ve learned through the good and bad experiences that God has blessed me with.

May wasn’t that bad either. I came home. To my second home. Planning to spend everyday at that place because my parents were there. I missed them. So much. I also reconnected with Art. Something I should have done already for the past few months (because I’m an art student) but only recently, I’ve learned that it was the only place where I can translate my feelings well enough. I focused more on that since it was my vacation, and I needed the distraction from my tendency to become regretful of the past.

June came, and I wished it didn’t. My precious grandfather died. He died and I wasn’t there by his side. We weren’t there. We were informed about this, while we were still at Qatar. We couldn’t do anything but weep. I’ve never seen my father like that. He didn’t say much while grieving but I know he’s regretting, blaming himself for not showing enough love for his father. And I never wanted to feel that. The regret. I never wanted to be left with a ‘what if’ in my mind. I, too, was grieving, they couldn’t even talk to me. And I couldn’t even talk to people without crying. I thought to myself, “maybe it’s time  to really live, and share this life with others, make them a precious part of it”. We went home eventually. Just in time for the funeral. I hated funerals, I hated seeing people cry. Swollen eyes. I hated the black clothes. The oversized bouquets. I hated everything about it.. except for one. It was a way to be reunited with lost relatives. It was a season of compassion. Reconnection. But I guess I hated that too.. Does it really take one precious life to be taken away just to be like that? To be there for one another? It doesn’t have to be, right? I hated everything about it, but I still became a part of it. I just remembered, I didn’t look at the coffin. I didn’t wanna see my lolo lying down there with no life. I’d like to remember him like how I remember him. The ‘pogi na lolo’ the one who laughs at everything I say. The one who loved me since the moment I was born. To be his ‘bunso’ was a privilege.

July, thank you. After everything I’ve been through. Especially with my lolo, I’ve learned that the only assurance in this life is the love and grace of God. Nothing else. People will leave you on a whim, whether it’s their choice, or not. Everything will always change, no matter how hard you want them to be stagnant. As they say “things get worse before they get better”, and life is a long cycle of that until the ‘best’ happens. July, btw, is my birth month. So my mom and dad did everything to make me happy. Bringing me to a place where I can feel again. Ahh, Palawan, you have been great to us.. to me and my soul.

Learning, (as my hs teacher use to tell me), is a never ending process. I may have learned now, but I will continue making mistakes, and I pray as I continue being human, that I’ll be guided by God in everything that I do. I’ve learned not to regret anything. To not think of the “what-ifs”. Because after everything that happened, the consolation is what I have now. Things could’ve been better, yes. But to regret is to waste. And I am a firm believer that what happened and what happens next is part of God’s plan for me. Best to move on and be free as I can be. Until I gradually become the person I am meant to become. For now, I will continue being open-minded, selfless, passionate, determined, courageous, satisfied, and happy.

Thank you, reader, for reading this! I want you to be happy with your life too… And to keep in mind that CHANGE IS INEVITABLE. You must learn how to show appreciation while you still can.